2 years and three weeks later...

I feel like I've been away.

2 years and three weeks ago I was in the middle of one of the busiest summers of my life--in the middle of the busiest year of my life. I had just finished my first year of graduate school and was in the thick of teaching privately and at school. My schedule on my phone was full of different colored appointments, rehearsals, meetings, dinners, events--I saw them all as I scrolled back to see what I was doing. If I look at my calendar now, there are a lot less colors.

I don't really care if people don't blog anymore. I need to write. 

For what seems like the blink of an eye, everything has changed. The jobs I was working are over. Most of the students I had are gone. People I love moved away. New scars have formed.

My phone no longer blows up at 11:00pm with life or death problems I need to solve. I don' t have a constant influx of emails asking for advice or help. I am left alone most of the time. I can actually think and breathe. I can sit and wonder what to do, for hours sometimes. I can waste away the day and not have to stay up late to get work done. There is no work to be done. This may sound nice to some of you, but for me all it does it give me time to reminisce. Of course, I have incredible memories that give me great joy, but with any good memory comes a bad one. You can't have the good without the bad.

What did it all mean? What have I learned besides how to sound like an emo-inclined 14-year-old who is questioning the meaning of everything? 

I have learned that the more I know the less I know. People can be cruel--especially when they don't intend to be. Friends can hurt us more than enemies can. And sometimes it's the smallest things that matter the most. 

But  through all of this there was one thing I never did: worry. People have laughed at me, scoffed at my beliefs and joked about how it was ridiculous to rely on an invisible force, but I tell you this: God has never let me fall. I trusted him not to. Through every change and trial I knew that no matter how bad it got I would end up where I was supposed to be. I feel sorry for those of you who go through your life all on your own willpower. Because I don't know how you manage it. Without God, I would have surely failed by now.

I've been spending quite a bit of time with "The Imitation of Christ" by Thomas a Kempis, and if you haven't read it I highly recommend it. What I read today inspired me to refresh this stale blog and write. Here it is:

"It is good that we be sometimes contradicted, and that men think ill or inadequately of us, even though we do and intend well. These things help often to the attaining of humility, and defend us from vain glory: for then we chiefly seek God for our inward witness, when outwardly we are condemned by men, and when there is no credit given unto us. Therefore a man should rest himself so fully in God, that he need not to seek many comforts of men."

This is one of those things that feels like it was written just for me. If you know anything about my life or the last few months you'll know that I've been feeling condemned and contradicted and given no credit where credit is due. Thomas a Kempis titles this letter, "Of the Profit of Adversity". Let that sink in for a while.

I think there's a misconception that a good Christian shouldn't stay hurt or wounded for long because God heals all wounds. I'm here to tell you that while God does heal all wounds, I'm pretty sure scars are permanent. And they should be. Otherwise how will you learn? How will you remember? I've had a lot of time to think about this.

I'm going to be fine. Not everything is perfect but it doesn't matter. I'm going forward, wherever that may be. I have incredible friends. I have incredible family. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I treasure all my experiences, especially the tough ones, because it's the difficult times that grow a person the most. (pretty sure the Flash figured that out too) *Sorry, had to insert a joke to lighten the mood.*

Thanks for taking the time to read this. If you want to hang out or hear more details, just hit me up. I have plenty of time. :)