"Don't be afraid. I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You are mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end--because I am your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you. That's how much I love you."
- Isaiah 43:1-4 [The Message]

What does it take to be faithful? What is faith anyways? Is it a gift--one of those spiritual ones Paul throws at you and everyone argues about if they're actually spiritual gifts or not? How do I have faith? How can I get more of it?

Do you really want to know?

Fine... you asked for it.

You have to suffer.

I've found that Faith is something I'm good at. I have a lot of it. If it is a spiritual gift I think I have it. And since I have it, I know how I got it. Through suffering and trials. And hey, guess what? I hate suffering. I'm not one of those OT saints who longs to suffer and die for Jesus, I'm not. I'll admit it. And I'm sure all of you would say the same. So you know what I have to deal with when I have faith? FEAR. Yes. For me, they are two very connected things.

I am Canadian. (just in case you hosers didn't know that) I am in the process of applying for a Green Card so I can work here in the States and pay taxes to this perfect country. So my husband, as amazing as he is, buckles down and does oodles of confusing paperwork for this crazy application himself so we don't have to spend $2000+ to get a lawyer to do it. It would've been sent off in September but I had to go to the doctors and get their immigration tests done, which included me getting three immunizations (including a chicken pox one because I wasn't lucky enough to get it when I was a wee lass) and getting stuck FOUR TIMES while they tried to find my veins to draw blood. That was a hoot.
So the application to be registered as some kind of Alien got sent off in October; our fingers were crossed for it to get through by December. Why? Because Grandma had just bought the entire family a CHRISTMAS CRUISE. Um, yeah, gee, who wouldn't want to go on a free cruise? Here's the deal. When you're in Green Card Application status you can't return into the country, and since the cruise was to the Caribbean, I couldn't gone but never come back... that wouldn't be good. So we needed the application to go through and for them to issue me TRAVEL DOCUMENTS which would allow me into the country again.

They didn't arrive in time.
Mess-ups with our address made something wonky with the mailing process.

So no cruise for us. Sad day, but we survived. We went down to Arkansas and hung out with family and friends and we had a great time. *silver linings*, guys.
So what was the next big thing coming up that I needed those travel documents for? CHOIR TOUR. It was going to Canada for Spring Break. Hey that was in March, no biggie right? Wrong. We were getting past the deadline to either find them documents lost in the mail returned, or to apply again (which would be another $300). Here, is the moment where the fear creeps in. Here's a snippet of my brain activity so you can know exactly what this process looks like.

"Keep waiting for them to show up or re-apply? If we wait to long re-applying won't do any good. What's going on? God why haven't you brought them to me yet? I know everything will work out the way you want it to, but does that mean me not going on choir tour? I really want to go. I can't imagine not going. If I can't go I'll have to give up my spot on the Handbell Choir so someone else can learn how to play my part. I love the bells. When I think about not playing them I feel sick. This is my last year here. God why would you not want me to go? I have faith that you know what you're doing but I'm afraid of the suffering that comes with it."

Imagine having that run around in your mind 24/7. Not fun.

So what happened, you say? Well, Winter Tour was coming, and that was to Iowa so I could go on that one. ;) I had mixed feelings about it because I was grateful I could at least go on this tour, but the thought that it might be my last tour ever really stung. (if you're wondering why tour is so important, it's because it's what you've been working towards from the beginning of your college career. You're in choir and you work towards the end goal of tour. that's just the way it goes.) So the night before we left on tour, I found this verse:

"Think of your suffering as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want." - I Peter 4:2 [The Message]

Read it again before continuing on. This verse was huge for me. I wanted to go on tour so badly i was making myself physically sick over the fact that i might not be able to go. God was saying, slow down. You want this, but do I? You know you always think, well, if I'm in tune with God his will will be my will? HEY! Don't flip it around and say MY WILL IS HIS WILL IF WE'RE IN TUNE. That's what I was doing.
That verse got me through the first two days of our little tour to Iowa. I was able to let go a little and enjoy what i had at the moment, and if God wanted this to be my last tour then so be it.
Then the day came that we were in this little science museum for children, you know the ones with all the hands-on experiment things you can do. And I was just low. I don't like museums in the first place. So I was wandering around by myself and scoffing at the little airplanes that moved when you pushed buttons, the radio waves that went crazy with the turn of a dial, and the big gross boa-constrictor in the corner tank when my phone buzzed. It was a text from my husband at home.

GUESS WHAT CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY?

My heart jumped out of my throat.
Yes folks, the papers came.
And you know what? After a few weeks we even realized why they were late. Each travel document is only good for one re-entry. There were two documents in the package that came. If I had used one to go on the cruise and one for Spring Tour to Canada, I would not have been able to go on the International Tour to ISRAEL this summer with the choir. Oh, geez. Well. Good thing I'm not in charge then, huh?

FAITH & FEAR

Is it possible to have one without the other?
I sure hope so. Once the ordeal is over you always realize that the fear was unnecessary.

I leave you with this.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by the fire-- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
- I Peter 1:6-9

Merry Giftmas!

So it's been a while since I've had something to write about. I guess that means life is perfect right? You wish.

Giftmas came and went. I don't know about you guys but I just love Giftmas. All the cards, decorations, lights, cookies, fudge and the awesomeness of decorating a tree-- I just love it. I look forward to it all year. Oh wait! Can't forget the most important part of the whole season!! Gifts! Presents! There's nothing that warms your heart more than seeing brightly wrapped packages under the tree with your name on them, and if you're like me, seeing brightly wrapped packages that I wrapped with someone else's name on them makes me feel even cozier inside. I just love making cards and presents for everyone I know. Ah, Giftmas. A season of giving and

getting. Great right?

Oops. I just noticed a large spelling error I made throughout the first part of my blog, right up there, see it? Sorry, guys. I meant to write Christmas. Christ mas.

You noticed, right? Of course you did. It was obvious. But did you notice before? Did you notice when you woke up on Gif-- ahem, Christmas morning with your family, whether bright and early, or whenever you felt like it, and you all sat down in front of your tree and dove into the sea of boxed-up joy and joyness?

Did you stop to remember what the original Christmas gift was and who it was from? Did you stop to think about what it means?

I didn't. Not until the last piece of wrapping paper had been torn off the last present.

How many of you grew up reading the Christmas story, about Baby Jesus being born in a manger to save ALL of us, before you even touched a present under the tree? I did.

How dare we even think that we have the right to grab those gifts with our grubby little paws without taking a SECOND to remember the God of the universe who came down in a form of a Baby, who sacrificed himself for the sake of mankind, for the sake of those who laugh in his face and scorn the cross, for my sake, and yours?

Now calm down if you were one of the ones who read the Christmas story. Calm down if you had Christ on your heart all season. Calm down if you think I'm bashing gifts or the holiday cheer, I'm not. Calm down. Why get ticked at me? I'm sticking up for my Saviour's birthday being turned into someone, or something, else's day. And if you agree with me, and if you know you never gave him a second thought, don't calm down. Get upset! GET ANNOYED at yourself!

And you know what? While we're at it, why is the whole holiday not wrapped around Christ in your heart? It's not just something to remember before you open gifts, it's not just the Christmas Eve service you so dutifully attend, whatever motions you go through to "keep Christ in Christmas" that's NOT ENOUGH. When you go to a wedding, do you take three minutes to say, "hey, there's the bride and groom. How great for them. Isn't that happy. Thanks for inviting me!" and then promptly moving on and pig out on all the food and drink and feel good about yourself because you took a few mere moments to acknowledge the reason for the celebration. Jeez, now that that's over you can enjoy yourself, right?

If all I'm doing is ranting to myself, that's fine. I'm only responsible for me. But if you've been upset or convicted by what I've put forth today, share your thoughts. Maybe not here, to me, or the rest of the online world who reads this, but maybe share it with the person who's birthday you forgot or watered down. After all, he's the only one that matters in the end.

Happy New Year. Make it start out right.

JOSS WHEDON: a summary of thought

This is Joss Whedon. He is a screenwriter, producer, director, and on occasion, a composer.

He works in Film, TV, Comic Books, and Online Media.

His work is mainly followed by small, radically dedicated groups, also known as cult fans.

His most famous works are: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly, Serenity, Angel, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, and Dollhouse.

His popularity among Christian youth is skyrocketing.

He is an atheist.


Let's talk about his stuff. First, let me give you a few examples that you WILL be familiar with if you are not one of his--- cult followers.

Toy Story

One of the funniest kids movies of our time, voices by Tim Allen and Tom Hanks, with two very successful sequels. Woody and Buzz, two very different toys both vying for the affection of their owner Andy. Who doesn't like this movie?
"You-- are a child's plaything!"
"You are a sad, strange little man."
Whedon was one of the writers for this script.


The Lion King: Simba's Pride

The "not-as-famous" sequel to The Lion King. Simba's daughter Kiara falls in love with Scar's nephew Kovu who is being manipulated by the evil Zira who wants to kill Simba for what he did to Scar. The lullaby she sings to Kovu as a baby...
"Sleep, my little Kovu, let your dreams take wing. One day when you're big and strong, you will be a king. But I dream a dream so pretty that I don't feel so depressed 'Cause it soothes my inner kitty and it helps me get some rest."
Whedon wrote this song.

Now as for his stuff that's gained the most popularity and following, let's take a look.

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog (watch)

Written for the Internet during the writer's strike, this 45 minute short film spread across the world like fire, consuming as many eager fans as possible. The witty lyrics, catchy melodies, and hilarious performances by Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion pleased Whedon fans and non-Whedon fans alike. The story follows a wanna-be super villain who's in love with the girl of his dreams, who in turn is being swept off her feet by Captain Hammer, Dr. Horrible's arch nemesis. To get a taste of Joss Whedon before reading the rest of this blog, go ahead and watch this. Twice. Otherwise you might hate it.

Firefly / Serenity

Firefly: the show. Serenity: the movie that was made to wrap up the show once it was canceled after the first season. Just imagine the wild west in space in the future. War happened, the universe was united into the Alliance, and there were those who resisted and who still resist. Malclom Reynolds was one of those "Browncoats" who resisted in the war. His side lost. Now he captains a ship and together with his crew the do "odd jobs"/crime to stay alive and away from the Alliance. His crew consists of a young girl mechanic, an untrustworthy, not so bright muscle man, a married couple, the man being the best pilot around and the woman being his second in command, and a registered "companion" who rents out one of the side shuttles for her "business" (prostitute). They eventually pick up a "shepherd" and a brother and sister who are running from the law because the sister is a mind genius and the government was experimenting on her. They fly around, steal and smuggle stuff and somehow help people in the process. The universal trade language is Chinese. Interesting, huh?

Dollhouse

This was one of Whedon's less popular creations. A futuristic sci-fi world that revolved around underground "dollhouses" that were centers for "Actives", a line of robots who could be rented and programmed for any type of situation. Sort of a "robot-for-hire-temporarily" kind of deal.
Eliza Dushku played the main character, an "active" doing her job as she was on the path of self-realization and enlightenment.






Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Buffy, a 16-yr old girl, suddenly finds out that she has been chosen to be the new Slayer. One is chosen every generation, and when she dies, another takes her place. She moves to a new town, Sunnydale, California's very own "hellmouth" (one of the places where hell itself can open). She meets Rupert Giles, the school librarian, who is also her "Watcher", sent from England to be her guide and trainer. She makes two best friends, Willow Rosenburg, a Jewish nerd, and Xander Harris, an outgoing loser. Together the three of them slay vampires and kill demons and have drama in high school. These are the four main characters throughout the series. Xander goes through a girlfriend or two after getting over his love for Buffy and eventually ends up dating an ex-vengeance demon (who became human) named Anya. Willow falls in love with a werewolf named Oz (played by Seth Green) but he eventually leaves her for fear of hurting her. She becomes a powerful "Wicca" and eventually decides she is a Lesbian. Buffy falls in love with Angel, a vampire with a soul who lurks around and helps her defeat the powers of darkness. Angel used to be Angelus, the worst vampire of them all, until gypsies cursed him and gave him back his soul so he could regret all the atrocities he'd done. He then brooded for years until he saw Buffy and wanted to help her. Buffy and Angel are terribly in love, until the curse on Angel is broken. They sleep together, Angel has a moment of true happiness, and he loses his soul. He then goes on a rampage to try and kill everyone, including Buffy, who eventually has to kill him herself and send him to hell. Buffy goes through teen angst, fights more evil, dies once and comes back to life, but a new slayer rose. Now there's two. And the new slayer, Faith, has an evil streak. Buffy and Faith eventually become enemies, Angel returns from hell all broken and tortured (he'd been there for hundreds of years because time down there is apparently different than in the world). Faith is defeated, Angel leaves as to not become Angelus again (and also so he can go start his own show) Buffy dates a few guys, including a vampire who had been hers and Angel's worst enemy (named Spike) after she grows fond of him. (he had a chip embedded in his brain that made him unable to kill humans.) A military presence appeared in Sunnydale to fight demons, Buffy dated Riley, a military guy, but her commitment issues drove him away. A mystical force turned into a human being becomes Buffy's little sister Dawn, Buffy's mom dies of medical reasons, Buffy herself dies, Willow brings her back from heaven (where she was) with magic, sending Willow on a downward spiral and becoming addicted to dark dark magic. She almost kicks the habit when her girlfriend Tara gets shot and killed and Willow goes crazy with magics and murders a bunch of people.
The last season's main plot is the fight against "The First". This evil, as they describe it in the show, is the creator of all evil; the original evil-- evil itself. This idea is the basis for my thoughts on Joss Whedon's worldview-- the worldview that we are now eating up like candy.

First of all, a disclaimer: I really love Joss Whedon's stuff! (Except for Dollhouse. It's too weird.) The world's that he creates, as in Firefly or Buffy, are fascinating. His characters are lovable, funny, heroic and attractive. His stories have something for everyone to appreciate. But I want to point out a few things that I think we as Whedon fans need to realize so we don't let him influence our own worldview.

Whedon is somewhat inconsistent with his stance of if there is a "God" or not. In Firefly, the "Shepherd Book" character is never quite explained but is presented as a Bible Preacher. Whedon doesn't make fun of him or make him out to be a fool, but instead presents him in a good light. here's a portion of one of the shows where the genius sister (River) gets a hold of Shepherd's Bible.

Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?

River: Fixing your Bible.

Book: I, um... What?

River: Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics... doesn't make sense.

Book: No, no. You—you can't...

River: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem.

Book: Really?

River: We'll have to call it "early quantum state phenomenon". Only way to fit 5,000 species of mammals on the same boat.

Book: River, you don't... fix the Bible.

River: It's broken. It doesn't make sense.

Book: It's not about... making sense. It's about believing in something. And letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you.

Whedon obviously presents this scene as "see, this whole Bible/God thing isn't scientific at all and it makes no sense if you're smart." Almost as if the only people who believe in that stuff are folks who don't think it out or reason it out. But at the same time, without even knowing it, Whedon presents the Gospel message in a small way. Think about how. In the movie Serenity, Malcolm holds onto the Shepherd Book as he dies from wounds. Mal says "I don't believe in God!" Book responds, "It doesn't matter. Just believe in something."

Let's take a look at an example from Buffy. The "First" is about to destroy the entire world with an army of ancient vampire monster things and Buffy is having a hard time defeating them. Once she gets beaten down a few times she resolves to win. this is what she says:
"There's only one thing on earth that is more powerful than evil. That's us."
A strong sense of human ability, no need for a higher power to fight for them. Earlier on, another character said this about evil.
"Once you see true evil there's some serious afterburn. You can't unsee what you saw."
This shows me that Whedon is willing to admit (and definitly believes in) there is a pure source of evil that has been around forever, that was not a created but a creator. Interesting. But he refuses to acknowledge the existance of a pure good, a counterpart to evil, God.
So how does Buffy defeat the "First"? Well, with her friends, by her own strength, they just had to figure it out. The idea at the end is that the "First" is everywhere, in everyone, and it is a natural part of life. Are there parallels to a sin nature here? Or possibly the fact that maybe we are all god or part of god?
Whedon tries so hard to explain his way around God. I know that he knows God exists. He has to. His stories revolve around him whether he wants them to or not.

A few other things to notice. The push of feminism, and how relationships only seem to "work out" or sail along smoothly if they are same-sex. Willow and Tara from Buffy seemed to be true to each other even through hard times. Buffy's relationships never worked, Xander and Anya ended up breaking up at the wedding altar, Giles was always unlucky or he went for shallow one nighters as did Mal in Firefly, but he always seemed to cold to date anyways. The Companion/Prostitute on Mal's ship had shifty clients until she had a woman client, and then it was all graceful and glamorous. Interesting to think about, that his view of a healthy relationship is the exact opposite of what it should be.

So why do we like his stuff? Why are so many people obsessed? Perhaps because it's funny, creative, and very realistic. People are tired of being fooled and conned while they watch shows, they don't like saying "yeah, like that could ever happen" anymore. Whedon grabs you where you're at, deals with issues that you have, and lives out your fantasies for you. But how much effect does his worldview have on yours? None? Or have you stopped to notice?

So check out his stuff. Or don't. Or re-evaluate your obsession with him. But realize that he is out there and he is gaining a following. He's writing and directing the new "Avenger's" movie and people are ecstatic. I think he's got great talent and I can't wait to see it. I want to see how he tries to hide God in this one. It's great when Atheists can't hold their own, isn't it?

Halloween: What it is and what we've made it

Halloween: The " Hallowed Eve" of All Saint's Day. What is All Saint's day? This is the day where all Saints, known and unknown, who have obtained the beatific vision in heaven are celebrated/commemorated. What's the beatific vision? A visual perception of God. So, where do we get whatever it is we do on October 31st? Check out this line of history:

The Celtic holiday "Samhain" was celebrated October 31st - November 1st and it was a symbol to mark the end of the harvest. The people believed that the border between this world and the spiritual world became thin on Samhain; because some animals and plants were dying, it thus allowed the dead to reach back through the veil that separated them from the living. The Gaelic custom of wearing costumes and masks was an attempt to copy the spirits or placate them. Turnips were hollowed-out and carved with faces to make lanterns and were also used to ward off harmful spirits. This holiday eventually became associated with the Christian holiday of All Saints Day.

So here we are. LOOK HOW CUTE! The little ghosties and pumkins and crossy in the graveyard! Don't forget the little bunny with the skull on his ear.

The world has taken this spirit-placating ritual and turned it into something scary. I mean, fun. We carve pumpkins because it's easier than carving turnips. We dress up as characters, ghosts, witches, and whatever else society has told us we need to fear or placate, such as murderers with chainsaws.

TRICK OR TREAT! Hey mister, you gimme candy or I throw eggs at your car!
Good times, eh?

The first time I experienced western, commercialized Halloween was in 6th grade. I was in Canada going to public school and my Mom called up another girl's mom and asked if I could go trick o' treating with them. (Yep. That's how popular I was) I dressed up like a Renaissance princess and threw on my winter coat and got out there! It was great. I got candy in my pillowcase from little old ladies that smelled like prunes. I was enjoying myself, until we went to the haunted house. I can still feel the fear clutching my insides to this day. We descended a long, dark staircase into a red lit room. There were body parts all over the floor. (I was eleven, guys, gimme a break.) The mom I was with started to clutch my arms harder as we shuffled through the disgusting mess. My heart raced and pounded in my ears as things moved and jumped all around us, but everything stopped when we got to a large room with nothing but a chair in the middle. A chair with a dark, hooded figure slumped over. You couldn't see it's face. We could see the exit just outside the room and we were headed straight for it, inching around the thing in the chair, when I lost my breath. It disappeared. You know that scream that isn't really a scream? It happened. The thing in the chair raised only it's head. A skeletal, flesh-stretched, empty head with wide bulging eyes and a grimace ready to devour. "I am the evil one," it whispered, moving only it's mouth. At that moment the mom who was digging her claws into my arms gave a guttural cry and harshly shoved me towards the door. I scampered as fast as I could to get out but I could feel it watching me, chasing me even. I knew it was right behind me I could feel it! Closer and closer it almost had me! Then I was outside. And it wasn't behind me. I was eleven. Canadian Halloween wasn't fun anymore.

I grew up in Ukraine. You know what their decorations are for Halloween? No pumpkins with happy faces, colored leaves, cute little ghosties and funny dancing skeletons. They had decapitated dolls with blood smeared on their faces. Satanic symbols. Statues of demonic creatures. Posters of possessed children with white eyes. You know why? Because they wanted to be like North America and celebrate this awesome time of fright and bite, but they missed the memo that everything was supposed to be fake.

Halloween therefore became a celebration of all that is dead and/or evil. Does that sound like something Christians should be associated with? And you wondered why your church always threw a "fall/festival/party" thingie in their gym on October 31st.

What people don't realize is that while they're eating candy corn and telling spooky stories about hooks being left on car doors is that in other parts of the world girls are being abducted and sacrificed to Satan by witches and warlocks because they know it's their night to shine. Oh yes, it happens. Shocked? Halloween is not all fun and games. It's real. Just like ghosts are not just happy whispy sheet things, they are otherwise known as demons and they have real power. And you know what's even scarier than that? It here. In your America. It's infiltrating the happy holiday you've created and turning it into something else and you don't even see it. But those of us who know what it could be see it behind every corner. Be on guard.

What's wrong with candy? Everyone eats candy. - Nothing.
What's wrong with costumes? It's just dressing up! - Nothing.
What's wrong with pumpkins? They're just lit-up gourds! - Nothing.
What wrong with being spooked? Everyone likes a good scare! - Nothing.
What's wrong with pretending that it all means nothing? - Everything.

The meaning behind Halloween is huge. For some people it's a festival of orange and black. For others, it's a thing of great evil that they've seen. Don't forget that what you take delight in could be somebody else's nightmare.
Is it possible that it might not really be worth it?

REMEMBER WHAT WE ARE REALLY HERE ON EARTH TO CELEBRATE.

And who's celebration is Halloween? Do you think it matters to him how you've changed it? It's still his day. Isn't it? Think about that.

So go ahead. Have fun. Trick and treat, scare and scream, get decked out to your hearts delight, but don't forget what you're doing and what it could mean to the person next to you on the street; the person who you could be sharing Christ with.

Hey, here's a thought. If Jesus were to hang with you on Halloween night and go all trick 'o treatin', what would he dress up as?

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Phillippians 4:8

"The best laid plans of idiots and men often go astray."

A plan: a system for achieving objective, a method of doing something that is worked out in advance.

To plan: to intend to do something, to make arrangements to do something.

To change: to make something become different, to exchange/substitute/replace something.

Change of plans: when God smacks you upside the head for making your own plans.

Being at Moody Bible Institute is a privilege and an honour. It’s considered one of the best schools for preparing the future Christian leaders that the world needs. Wherever I go, people ask about my experience at Moody.

“Do you like it? How do you feel about living in downtown Chicago? What’s your major? What year are you in? What’s your favourite class?”

But my least favourite question is this: “What do you plan to do after you graduate?”

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? I want to shout...

But I don’t...

My freshman year I knew exactly what I wanted to be. A worship leader. Why? I don’t know. I just did. So I’m in the 5 year music program because it’s the best I can get out of Moody and things are going well. Then I realize I don’t want to spend 5 years in school. So I switch to the 4 year program. Then I get introduced to different aspects of classical music, and try my hand at singing on a more academic level. I try out for solos, I don’t get them. I look for a church to get involved on the worship team with. Can’t find one. Is there a group of students that want to form a chapel band? Yeah, but they don’t need me. Getting a little discouraged here...

2 years I search for a church to get involved with. The result? I was inundated with poor theology, self-praising worship bands, and cold-hearted church-goers who were only interested in the latest gossip. The decision? I don’t want to be involved in church ministry.

OOPS.

“um... cheri... you can’t say that... you’re at moody... this is where the church leaders of tomorrow are trained... you have to do church ministry. why else would you be here?”

So now I’m in my third year, which is also my senior year because I crammed everything, and I don’t want to do the job my degree is preparing me for. What if I want to be a behind-the-scenes person? What if I don’t want to be the leader? Or what if I’m just afraid to be because I’ve never done it before?

Earlier this week I had a meeting with a post-college/career development person here at school and I told him I had no experiences or skills to put on my resume. Never led, never prepared, never planned or organized anything—unless you count in-class projects or book learning, which isn’t experience anyways. He looked at me like I was from another planet. (For some reason some people don’t get the fact that it's hard to find opportunities to lead something in a community of 1000+ leaders.) I then spent the rest of the week wallowing in the fact that I was a total loser, completely unprepared for anything, even the ministry God has called me for (whatever that may be). The other day one of my friends had, jokingly, said that’d I’d probably end up working at McDonald’s after I graduated. That prospect started to look a lot more plausible and it freaked me out! I started to think about my other skill sets such as organization and multi-tasking that might end up being the breadwinners in my life and a vision of myself in a suit and heels sitting behind a desk popped into my mind—with the occasional specialty-coffee-order-pickup-run.

HOLD IT! THIS ISN’T WHAT I’D HAD PLANNED!

Well... does it really matter what I want? Does it matter what I’d planned for myself? Not really. I just think it does. Sometimes I forget that. My best advice that I often give people is the one thing I just can’t seem to do: chill out. Calm down. It will work out. God’s in control. I promise you it won’t be easy, and it will suck BIG alot, but in the end God will accomplish exactly what he wants to, and if you’re in tune with him it will be what you want too. Easier said than done, friends.

Life is a rollercoaster operated by God. You go up and down and over and under and sometimes it gets so bad you even lose your cookies—but God will never let you derail. If he did you’d die. And that won’t happen because he’s already saved you. But hey, if you don’t get on in the first place, you’ll miss the ride.

Late this afternoon the church I’m doing my internship at called me and asked if I would lead worship tomorrow (Sunday). Well pin a tail on me and call me a donkey!

“So, Cheri... what will you do after you graduate?”

“No clue. I don’t make my own plans anymore. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

Will Smith: Hot or Not?

"I AM LEGEND". Most of us saw the movie. Will Smith, only man left living in the world because he is somehow immune to a strange zombie virus that has... zombie-fied the human race. So he's got his dog and his guns and his will to find a cure and thats about it. It's a good movie, freaky freaky in some parts, and Will does a fine job.

SIDENOTE: I found the book "I Am Legend' by Richard Matheson and it is SO different and SO much better.

So who likes Will Smith? I do. He's a great actor and his movies are some of my favorite. Imagine for a second he's your bestest favoritist actor of all time. Imagining it? Okay... now imagine someone coming up to you and telling you Will Smith is a slime-ball, two-faced, no good sissy boy who's face should be limited to the radio? Would you get upset? Of course you would.

"Hey man, shut up! Will Smith is da bomb!"

"Nah, he's a loser!"

"You're a loser!"

Look familiar? It does to me, even if something like that never conspired out loud. So why do we get angry when people insult our favorite celebrities? It feels like a personal attack does it not? But guess what? It shouldn't feel that way. In fact, we'd better make sure we don't feel that way! Have you guys ever stopped to think about the person you're sticking up for? Do you know them at all? Their beliefs? How about what they contribute to society ESPECIALLY from a Christian standpoint? Just how instrumental are they in STOPPING the furthering of the kingdom?

Don't freak, i'm not anti-media or anti-having favorite actors, you know that, but here's an example:

A Will Smith "Rap" song: (yes, I put it in ""'s. you listen to some of his stuff and you'll see why.)

Ms. Holy Roller

This dedicated to an old friend of mine, Michelle
She a holy roller now, turned over a new leaf
Now e'rything old gon' burn

Ms. Holy Roller, new angel, got ya Bible out shoutin' and you're ringing a bell

mid-life, reborn, can't wait to tell, if I don't believe what you believe,

I'm going to hell...

I've been down with Jesus since Sunday school & Easter speeches

The Bible was survival, that's what my grandma would teach us

Since I was 5, I've been dying and trying to read it When I did I did, it redefined it

Now you was 34 when you found Jesus after your life fell to pieces

Wife two times, with two guys, now enlightened in speeches

Seemed to flow out your mouth with the hype of a preacher

Took your whole life to reach you, now I'm a trifling creature

Come on, if I die right this second, I reckon that God would simply check

into my life & times, dissecting my rhymes, he'll see how I've been leading his troops

You can't do dirt your whole life then say "oops'!

Now where was Jesus, when you life then you was cheatin', when you was deceiving me?

Where was Jesus when you greedy, your lawyers was bleeding me?

Where was Jesus when every weekend, a new man living with you?

Oh, wait he was with me, trying to keep me from killing you!

Now, where was Jesus when you was lying & you was betraying me?

When I was trying to make it, you was hatin' delayin' me, huh?

Where was Jesus when the ice was thrilling you,

Oh, he was he with me trying to keep me from killing you!

If I ain't know Jesus, ain't no telling where I would be

It's been nights I felt like feces; I needed to fight to release it

I'm in the limelight, it's hot & the heat is ceaseless,

Holding my tongue while little bums cut me to pieces

The only reason's cause I studied the life of Jesus &

Venting with my pen, intending to write & release it

But when an ex-friend would slight me or slam me with venom

I hate it, I can't stand it, damned, I really resent it

I always strive to be righteous, my version of God

The reason why I never write verses with curses inside

The reason I never purposely hurt persons,

I've applied many teaching of God,

Searching the reaches of God

Pondered the mysteries of why you be dissing me,

I adore you all I hope for you is freedom from misery

You made mistakes & blunders, you breaking from under

But yo, If I'm going to hell, it's making me wonder

The greatest atrocities ever committed on this planet have been in the

name of God

This country was founded by Puritans, for the expressed purpose of

oppression-free worship

Your attitude is the same arrogant, fearful fundamentalism that fueled the

hatred of the Crusades

& the attacks on 9/11.

If we are not allowed to worship God as groups & individuals free from

persecution, in respectful

Tolerance, there's only one outcome...

What is Will talking about? Unfortunately, the truth. He had an experience with a holier-than-thou hell-fire and brimstone preaching Christian and now he's telling the whole world. HE'S TELLING THE WHOLE WORLD. This is what Will Smith has contributed and the saddest part about it is that it's not his fault.

Will's not a bad guy. He's not a devil-worshiper, not a murderer, not a sex-singing drug-bringing money-flinging hip-hop dude. He's got a head on his shoulders that includes both ears. And this is what he's heard from us. He's labelled us the cause of so many problems and now he's not afraid to tell everyone who will listen. And you know what? Simply because he's Will Smith means that people are all ears. Everyone loves their celebrities. Everyone has their heroes, their idols, their favorite actors.

This isn't about not sticking up for the skills an actor has that someone else bashes. This is about understanding and realizing what kinds of messages these celebrities are sending out. To stick up for someone means to defend them, to protect them, to support their position and to resist their opponent. I looked it up.

This kind of thing is not a big deal in itself but this is also one of the lesser examples. You want something harsher? check this out. don't ask me what this song means. I haven't the slightest idea. All I know is it's exactly what I'm talking about. The message that celebrities are sending out into their spongie fans.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdU3fKbbbu0&feature=related

It offends me. It'd better offend you too.

So... who's your favorite actor?

being me [or you]

Qualified. There's always someone telling you you're not qualified. It doesn't have to be words, mind you, it could be in the form of a rejection letter, a promotion gone to someone else, an "F" on a paper, or even a dirty look. I find myself sometimes looking at other people and saying,

"Sheesh... it's always someone else. It's never me. When's my shot? When can I [insert aspiration]?"

Then once you get over that bout of selfishness, another MEMEME giant rears it's ugly head.

"I could totally have done that. Hey! I could do that better! If only they had chosen me. If only that person wasn't constantly hogging the spotlight! Then maybe I'd get noticed."

I used to go through those two phases a lot, admit they were wrong to feel that way, and try and move on with my unnoticed, untapped life. But then I started to actually try and do the things I was convinced I could do better than [insert person] who had been hogging the spotlight-- and I fell flat on my face.

SHOCKER: I'm not as great as I thought I was.

So then you start to understand the rejection letter, the promotion that passed you by, the "F" you deserved, and why that person, once self-righteous now a "truth-seer", gave you a dirty look. A new bout starts to run through your head.

"Why am I here? What good will it do? There are so many more people qualified than me. Why would anyone want to hire me or work with me when they could have someone else?"

Man. A hard pill to swallow. Not qualified. Not good enough. And you know what hammers in a nice big nail? Can't get qualified unless you get experience which you won't get a chance to gain because you're not qualified.

If you think this is bad-- try this on for size. When you've got the call from God to go into full time ministry and you're not qualified for it, that means you're not good enough for God to use. BAM! Shot in the heart.

Who feels like this? Me. You. Everyone. Even the spotlight stealer and the dirty look giver. You know what else? You will probably have feelings like this forever. Some of us more than others. But guess what I've discovered? That's all they are! FEELINGS. Soft, fickle, and modifiable feelings. Since when does feeling dictate reality?

God would never create something not good enough for the purpose He created it for.

Our problem is is that when we're not in the very midst of that purpose we "feel" like it doesn't exist at all. Sometimes we have to wait. Sometimes, yes, we're not READY for that job/position/promotion, but that doesn't mean we're not good enough for it. Just because a plumber doesn't have his own tools yet doesn't mean he can't or won't ever fix pipes!

Our culture is saturated with NOW-HERE-MYWAY and we have no idea what not yet, not here, and not this way mean. It certainly took forever for it to sink into me and I still forget sometimes.

I guess all I have left to say is this: No one else is ever going to be qualified to be me and I'd better get on with it because I'm certainly never going to be qualified to be you.