I graduated college 2 months ago. Moved from the busy city of Chicago to the town of Siloam Springs, home of John Brown University and near the nucleus of the greatest shopping chain in the world, Walmart. In Chicago there was the Sears tower, Navy Pier, The Cubs and the Sox, The Theater District, a large group of energetic friends, and a thriving, mission-bound, inner-city church that I was knee deep in. In Siloam Springs---me and my husband, the few people we knew, and our cat.
In May I was in Israel on a Choir tour, singing every night, playing hand-bells, ministering to people and walking through sites I'd only seen on flannel-graph. I was needed. I was important. They couldn't do it without me. In June I'm in my apartment, every day, all day, by myself, needed and missed by no one. Can't drive the car--it's a stick shift and I have no license. Can't work--I'm Canadian and don't have my green card yet. Can't play my piano--it's half-way across the world. Is this what it's like to follow Jesus?
So there's been a lot of questioning. A lot of thinking and changing of minds. A lot of useless feelings. I decided to just bite my tongue and bide my time to a future where I'd be important again--important and doing something for the kingdom instead of just sitting around.
Then I heard that sermon today on Following Jesus. The illustration was of the Israelites in the desert for forty years being led by the cloud/pillar of fire. The cloud stayed put for a day, maybe a week, or even a year. That was God, and he was teaching his children to follow him whenever he decided to go. They'd look up in the sky and say, "I guess we're staying here one more day."
I'd been so preoccupied with looking way ahead and trying to see the cloud, that I missed the fact that it was right above my head, standing still. No wonder I could never find it.
So maybe I have my learners license. Maybe we might make that church our home church and get involved. Maybe the interview for my green card application is at the end of this month. Maybe I just have to calm down and stop trying to make that cloud move.
Matthew 16:24-25
The Message (MSG)
24-26Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?
